Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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