Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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