If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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