We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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