He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
