just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Small penises have feelings too.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
