Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
