good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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