it wasn't lemon gatorade
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Randomize
