Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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