You're so nebulous sometimes
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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