sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
why do cheetos always look like penises
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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