You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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