Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Your cock deserves a montage
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I have post one night stand depression
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize