Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
