We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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