I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
