I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
how drunk are you?
Several
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
