Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
