Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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