Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
