vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
