Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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