Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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