I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
