Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
