if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
