I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
You are the jesus of drinking
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
