I heard we made out
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
