Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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