I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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