perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
