you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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