I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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