You're so nebulous sometimes
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
