there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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