I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
