No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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