I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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