Even the bartender felt bad for me
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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