This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
