Betty ford says i'm here all night
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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