I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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