five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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