Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
