I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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