i just sent this text using only my big toe
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
