I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize