My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
