My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
