Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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