I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
