I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
