3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize