While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
