theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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