someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
smell my finger.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
