lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize