wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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