sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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