I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
